Verge of "Extremis"

I was actually going to bed after using the computer. But when I spoke to you in msn you did not reply. "I told myself your probably busy mugging and etc." But I felt that in you, you did not really bother about me. Blogging makes me feel so relieved for some reason. I can post my worries and dilemmas here.

I think that we are getting more and more estranged. Sometimes you reply and sometimes you reply. Talking to you has been part of my phobia. For I fear that you did not reply me. I'm just so afraid and anxious every time. Is this the power of love? Love is so powerful. It can makes you compromise your safety and well-being just to ensure that she's happy. You can say I'm fucking crazy now. You will understand when you love someone this deep. The feeling is overwhelming. Just saying "hi" to you can make my day. I love your smile.. Its the remedy/medicine to all my stress and dilemma. For I know, you still have some acceptance in me. I brace myself up every time to talk to you. I just want to see the smile of you so much. Though its priceless, but its precious to me.

Mid-year is coming. I wonder how am I going to suffer in the hall for my Chinese and Maths. Every time I saw you, I can't be myself. When you don't reply my message, you make me so upset. Guess I don't stand much hope.

Love, please stop tormenting me. It's driving me into a "frenzy" mode.

Jia Zhen, perhaps your right. My naivete, sigh. It's just a drug. But this dosage is extremely high.

I just wanna shout out loud. To drive away my worries and dilemma. At this point of time, I shouldn't be thinking of you. But is just so great. I'm so afraid of rejection.

You must not be the most beautiful, affluent, intelligent and cutest to be my girlfriend. I have fallen for the imperfect you. Will I ever get the opportunity to get to say I love you? I have no idea how to prove my love and authenticity to you. Even if I did. You don't fancy me, its so futile. Furthermore, will you despise a EN? I doubt you will accept me though. And that makes me suffer from insomnia. I cant sleep right now(1.18am)

You possess the power to drive me crazy.
You possess the power to make me on cloud-nine
You possess the power to empower me despite the "prevailing circumstances"
You possess the power to boost my confidence
You possess the power to rapture my heart.
You possess the power to assuage the insurmountable amount of stress and agony in me.

So what can I do for you?

True love is doing whats best for the person. Not just possessing her. If I can be your source of security and happiness, I guess I am contented enough already. Albeit I may not have you.

It will definitely be a blessing to soothe you when your down.
It will definitely be a blessing to cheer you up whenever your angry and upset.
IT will definitely be a blessing when I'm there to lend a listening-ear and share your burdens and dilemmas.
It will definitely be a blessing that you will come to me when your down. Probably _ _ _ is a better medicine for you.

So what am I to you? You already know that I like you.

All About Us - Tatu
Talking to you as a friend, is already a blessing itself.

Guess what, you replied my message (1.27am) I AM HAPPY!!!!!! HYPER-VENTILATING. However, your reply is getting more and more apathetic. Since you replied, I couldn't ask for more. But your replies just got and more and more "content" in it. It raptures my heart so much. I realised I'm too paranoid? AHAHAHA
Now I have the impetus to study again. OKAY!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE POSTED LONG ENOUGH!

Jia Zhen, I realise what is true happiness and blessing now. Thanks to you.

Oh great. First thing first - fuck mid-year. Second - fuck that I don't know how to sew. Third - fuck that Mid-year Chinese is go close to her bday. It seems like i got one month plus. But considering the fact that my schedule will be super-duper-uber occupied. I don't have much time. Man.. I CANT SEW!!

I already planned the template for the bear liao. Seriously need to chiong sia.. I don't care if I need to burn midnight oil. I don't fucking care I get "poked" by the needle how many times. I JUST WANT IT TO BE DONE! I will forsake my entertainment and everything to get it done before my O' Chinese. Well, actually is quite entertaining LOL. Just can't really go out nia.

My sister... OMG. HOW DO YOU KNOW? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~ NOOOOO~~~~~ SHITT~~~~ FAG!

Well, enjoying being single right now. Single so fun.. But without some commitment, it may not be fun at all. Lack purpose in life. Well, considering the fact that I'm still 15+. Apparently is just not the right time >.<

And ________. Why do you keep talking to me now? You freaked me out. Weird. We like so cold towards after the ______ ___. Then during the rehearsal when you sit beside me. You just suddenly talked to me. Scary...

Now I'm granted the wish I wished for a year back. That's too bad.. Now I don't wish to have it anymore. I have learn to accept my new life. Yet, I'm brought back in the past. The feeling is not there anymore. How ironic. My life is made so difficult is depressing for me. True bliss, is not you. True bliss is her.

And last Tuesday, a girl freaked me out. 7plus in school. Zhong Hsun and me were doing Amaths. Suddenly Xue Qi. Want me to meet this girl. I dont wish to say anymore. Don't wanna give the impression that I'm buay hial bai. Sigh. Things you yearn for are so hard to get... Albeit you endeavored, you might not succeed.

I don't wanna "invite" you in a relationship yet. I wanna test myself first. To see how much I truly love you. To judge my authenticity. If I can't pass my own test. I rather be single. This shows that I failed. Meanwhile, I will let you know that I still like you. After all, academic is also important. I will wait till after your O'. I will wait. Lastly, I don't wish to let people misconstrued that I'm a despo. And I'm clear and conscious to know that I'm not a despo. I won't die without a girl.

God, perhaps let me like/love no one.

For all the while, I think am in naivete. I always thought your luckier than me. However, contrary to my thoughts. I'm indeed more lucky than you. Well, I guess thats life.

You gave me a wake up call. Am I really seeking for true love? But I seriously feel damn shiok when talking to her. Just felt that she's "rapturing" my heart Just no freaking idea. The best remedy to my emotion dilemmas. I will stop whatever I'm doing just to text her. Neglecting my objectives, etc.

But friend, you deterred me to do what I want. So dude, should I treat this as a delusion? Persist in my own so called "beliefs". So dude, how strong is my beliefs? Don't care her anymore?

Please don't spread thx.
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Ah well, I DON'T WANNA THINK ANYMORE. ITS FUCKING PAINFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT JUST MAKE ME EMO FOR LIKE ONE-THIRD OF THE DAY. GIVING ME THE TENTATIVES TO LEAVE SCHOOL. I WANNA SCREW THE LIFE I'M HAVING RIGHT NOW~ I'm so scared and anxious of rejections.. I don't wanna like a girl like this.. Though I'm not a guy who just want to get into a relationship for "fun". Lastly, I'm not a despo. I don't take any girls I don't like as my girlfriend. Why can't you be like some other girls that comes to me?

Perhaps God wants me to strive for it. Fear is my nemesis. God embrace me with your grace and guide me with your light and holiness. Please, I need the morale and courage. I'm praying to you God.

(If you read you should know that I'm referring to you)Sorry friend... I can't help or advise you much. That's all I can do to help. Cheer Up. I won't ask to let you reminisce about the past. Your blog tells all. Though other people can't tell. Accept it man.. (This shows that she's not your Mrs.Right) But I can be a councilor XD. I don't know whether my advice can help you much. Lastly, be friends. Better than losing a friend.

Perhaps the things I can do to make me stop having such a painful life.
1: Go gym - intensive training.
2: Learn to cook pasta.
3: Learn to play guitar.
4: Get better in my academic.
5: Get a new life.
6: Find new hobbies.
7: Don't Emo!

I have feelings towards you for 6months.

Nafa test wad sad.
2cm more to 5As.. NOOOO. SIT AND REACH 43... A is 45 NOOO~!~!~!~!~!~!~! :(


Statistic
_________
Sit and Reach - First attempt - 43 - B :( † Second attempt - 39 - WTFFFFFFF !@!@!@!
Yan Hui first:43 second:47 Gratz.
Shuttle Run - First attempt 10.46 - C :( † Second attempt 9.68 - A :)
Pull-Up - First attempt 10 - A :) Its more than that, but Mrs Teo say not counted :(
Second attempt 13 - A :) Actually 15. But two never above chins :(
Yong Kiat - 17. Sad you can't reach 21
Standing Broad Jump - First attempt - forgot. † Second attempt - 253 :)
Sit-Ups - Only one attempt - 50. Lazy do more.

Sigh. Shattered Dreams of obtaining 5As. Well forget it, I already secured a gold :D
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Anyway, Mid-year coming. Nuuu D: SADDDDDDD. No time to get distracted.


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Hyper-ventilating Jia Zhen. You succeeded. Mine.... Not even secured in the first place. GRATZ DUDE!
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To ruffians - All of you motherfuckers. Ya think preying on the weak is fun? I'm telling you guys its a ignominy. High caliber of ignominy is what you guys are. What a hilarious joke. Got courage come alone la. Need your dog companions with you? Dogs - you ruffians source of courage? Fuck off _l_ Don't come and "Zi Siao" my friends. They ignored you cause they are decent people. Don't ever get on my nerves. I'm different. Albeit I don't resort to physical violence. I'm not the person you know in school. Depending on the circumstances, I may not be magnanimous.
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Your the source of my tentative to leave school.

No idea I'm paranoid a not. But i feel that your beginning to be more apathetic to reply my messages.


Usual, hanged out with jz, ken and company. Slacked. Played frisbee. Don't have the mood with me though. Can't get back my usual mood. Shesh, its getting way too destructive for me. Seriously need to change my mentality~ Its sorta insidious.
Somehow, endeavoring seems to be useless.
At least JZ is better than me.. Kinda jealous though =.="

Every time you intrigues me, no matter how small the thing is.
Seriously, why am I attracted to you? (It ends here)
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I just can't play drums.. Seriously suck at it. Need to find something to occupy my mind besides reading and playing.

Saturday, food-court. Tissue paper on table. Some auntie used it to "chop" place. Then she approached us and said its her seat and went back to the stall. Then like buay song. Nvm, we find another place. Then Kenneth suddenly took out the tissue. HE TOOK IT.(not with ignorance) Then some other people settled down. Then "she" came back and said its her place. But cannot find her tissue so she had to sit somewhere else LOL. Feel kinda bad. But use tissue to chop abit _________(speechless)
"Teach her not to chop table with tissue"(By Ken) I feel that I'm a villain yet a protagonist LOL. First time have this time of feeling thanks to Kenneth. Quite funny though.

Sometimes I use the wrong words to talk =.=" Why some teachers always think they are in the right. She can take back her words. I cant? This is bullshit. Apology letter? You ask people to reflect on themselves but you don't. You just think your right. At least I have the moral courage to admit that am partly at fault. But do u think about wad u did in the first place is perfectly fine? Physically and verbally HUGE DIFFERENCE. DONT CLASSIFY IN THE SAME CATEGORY AND SIMPLY REDRAW BACK YOUR WORDS WHEN WE POINTED OUT. CANT WE TAKE BACK OUR JOKES TO YOU? HUH!~@#$@$$@ Abusing authority? Infuriation.. EXASPERATION Why cant u just reflect? How magnanimous you are. Seriously hope that this Wednesday you will not mix personal and sch work together. Precisely we are close to you then we joke with you. Yet you said "Am not your friend" But we do treat you as one. Seriously damn hurting. Starting to hate you more and more. Despise the way you do things. Don't ever expect me to be "kind" to you the next time. I might not even follow you to the general office and take the statement form. So what if I am a councilor. Doesn't mean I have to listen to what is wrong. Seriously hope that you did take the leave cause of what happened. Perhaps, you let anger manipulated me. Speak to my mother/brother if you have any dispute. A statement form is not gonna scare me albeit i am a councilor.

Why must my classmate ask me to keep quiet. Yes I know they meant good. Thanks Guys. But I will like to do things in my own way. I'm not a primary school kid anymore. Why should we be afraid of teachers in the first place.



Mr Lathif, your magnanimy and benevolence surprises me. Your burning passion motivates me to study. One day, you can be a extraordinary teacher. You are one now.